The Rise of the Crow-verlords

I consider myself to be a gentleman who values the importance of safety. I have protected my house from velociraptor attack and have also devised a zombie contingency plan. So, as I’m sure you can imagine, I was alarmed when I discovered this video footage of a crow, displaying its ability to fashion a hook in which to solve a puzzle.

Crows have recently been discovered to be one of the most intelligent animals on the planet. They are the only animal apart from humans that can use three tools, in a successive sequence, to solve a puzzle ( It seems inevitable that their rivalling intellect will bring us to blows in the next 5 years. So what can we expect from the ensuing battle between homo-sapien and crow?

Well the crows will obviously be fighting for control of wheat products, and also shiny objects. It’s best to begin hiding these in one large safe for now. However, its clear from this footage that, given half the chance, the crows will gain access to the inside of the safe within a matter of hours.

They will be working together by the time they attack. They will understand that team work increases efficiency.

We must protect ourselves, our sandwich ingredients and our spoons by any means necessary. So I have devised a concise, set by step plan for the two most likely scenarios.

  1. The Crows Attempt to Infiltrate and Secretly Take Over the Government.
  • Firstly, lets not rule out the fact that this may have already happened. However, the average person seems to have as much wheat produce and shiny objects as per usual, so we’re probably safe for the time being.
  • Providing there is still hope, we need to take whatever Hovis, tin foil and weaponry is available and begin creating an underground bunker with our neighbours and loved ones.
  • From there we will most likely enter into an extended period of guerilla warfare with certain army factions, who will have joined forces with the crows.

Note: we must begin organising the resistance immediately.

2. The Crows Strike in the Open.

  • This of course would be the more honourable (though also the less crow-like) method of attack.
  • In this circumstance it will be necessary to locate and protect the nearest laboratory that possesses a strain of the West Nile virus.
  • Though 90% of human infection is without symptoms, this virus is incredibly harmful to American crows. Subsequent research could yield a strain that is harmful to all members of the crow family.

Note: be always aware that the crows may be working in league with other, apparently harmless animals. It would most likely be the badger, but could also be the field vole or even your most trusted local squirrel.

So there we have a sound plan of action for the inevitable. Unless of course… they’re reading this now, in which case both of these options are irrelevant…. What the f… Oh god!… They’re here!… at the window!…. and the doors!… they’re picking the locks…. you have to pay very close attention I don’t think I can ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss


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